Chicago Cubs Fans Turn to Tea Party For Help.
(Chicago, IL) Faced with yet another in a long series of meaningless Septembers, Chicago Cubs fans have turned to the Tea Party for help.
“It doesn’t matter who the owner is or who the manager is,” complains Cubs fan Chad Sheridan. “The Cubs cannot win while Major League Baseball continues its practice of distributing stimulus money in the guise of revenue sharing. Big Government has begat Big Baseball. As a nation of fans, we can no longer afford to send pork payments to Pittsburgh.”
Sheridan takes an even harder stance when it comes to out of town fans. “Visiting spectators are intrusive to the experience as real fans. Especially if they’re from Milwaukee or St. Louis and Milwaukee and St. Louis are winning. Seats should be claimed by our own fans and out of towners need to be closely monitored.”
In addition to ending revenue sharing and monitoring the team allegiance of game-goers, Cubs fans support the abolition of the MLB luxury tax, balanced budgets for all teams, less dependence on foreign players and family values clauses in all player contracts.
“President Bush was a former baseball owner and the Cubs were still in first place in 2008 before the election,” Sheridan explains. “Under the Obama presidency, the Cubs have returned to the basement, even as his Sox are in contention. Clearly there are political overtones to baseball. We Cub fans would welcome the addition of Sarah Palin as the new Cubs GM, given her history of leadership and experience as a sportscaster in Alaska.”
When asked for comment, President Obama replied “When faced with trying times, Cubs fans invariably cling to Old Style and religion. Unfortunately for the Cubs fans, they haven’t yet realized that losing _is_ their religion.”